What should you give a man who has everything?

Penicillin

“For all those men who say, ‘Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?’ Here’s an update for you… Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig… just to get a little sausage.”

A guest from some foreign country was bragging that in HIS country there is 79 different ways to make mad passionate love.Ray listened patiently.  “That’s amazing.  Where I come from there’s really only one.”"Oh,” sniffed the Romeo, “just one?  And which way is that?”"Well, there’s a man and there’s a woman . . . “”Praise Allah!!! Number 80!!!”

Element Name: WOMANSymbol: WOAtomic Weight: (don’t even go there!)Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

WASHINGTON, DC - Frustrated by failed attempts to turn public support away from the president, congress today announced it would begin releasing completely fabricated documents and videotapes on Monday.Speaker Newt Gingrich addressed the press at the Capitol this morning. “We feel that with the release of all the documents from the Starr Inquisition, and the public still supporting the president, we need to take further steps in our neverending goal of overturning the 1992 and 1996 elections. On Monday morning, we will release a diary of President Clinton’s in which he claims to have had dinner with Adolf Hitler, Ayatolla Khomeni and Saddam Hussein, and later slept with them in the Lincoln Bedroom. He also claims in the diary, ‘Meat is murder, I am a communist, Die Capitalist Die!’ We will also release a doctored videotape showing the president strangling a litter of small kittens.”A CNN/Newsweek poll following the press conference showed a slight rise in the president’s approval rating.

The Lord said to Noah, “In six months, I’m going to make it rain until   the earth is covered with water and all the evil is destroyed. I want   you to build an ark and save two of each animal species. Here are the   blueprints for the ark.”   Six months passed. The skies began to cloud and rain began to fall.   Noah sat in his front yard, weeping.   “Why haven’t you built the ark?” asked the Lord.   “Oh, forgive me,” said Noah. “I did my best, but so many things   happened.   “The blueprints you gave me didn’t meet the city’s code and I had to   change them. Then the city said I was violating the zoning ordinance   by building an ark in my front yard, so I had to get a varience..   “The Forest Service required tree-cutting permits, and I was sued by a   state animal rights group when I tried to gather up the animals.   “The EPA required an environmental impact statement concerning the   flood. the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood   plain.   “The IRS seized all my assets, claiming I was trying to avoid paying   taxes by leaving the country, and the Equal Opportunity Commission   said I wasn’t hiring enough Croatians.   “I’m sorry, Lord, but I can’t finish the ark for at least five years.”   Suddenly the rain stopped, the skies cleared and the sun began to   shine.   Noah looked up and said, “Lord, does this mean you’re not going to   devastate the earth?”   “Right,” said the Lord. “The government already has.”

A little old lady walked into the bank, cashed a small check, and started out. Passing the armed guard, she smiled and said, “You can go home now.”

Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow. “How old was your husband?” he asked.”He was ninety-eight,” she answered softly. “Two years oder than I am.”"Really?” the undertaker said. “Hardly worth going home, wouldn’t you say?”

Q:What did the man say when he walked into a bar?

A:OUCH!

There was three guys, one with a rubber dick, one with a wooden dick,and one with a nine foot dick.The guy with the rubber dick couldn’t have sex because it wasn’t hard.The guy with the wooden dick couldn’t have sex because the other person would get splinters. Finally, the third guy with a nine foot dick says, “See that girl over there? Bam. Got her.”