A Guide to the Identification and Classification of North American Farts Learning- or better still, thinking up- names for fart types is a traditional early-adolescent ritual. Similarly, methods of identifying the source of a fart are a subject of peer-group, or tribal,speculation, the usual rule of thumb being “Who smelled it, dealt it,”or “The smeller’s the feller.”Occasionally, this oral tradition has acheived the level of Xerox publication, but never before has a systematic analysis, along the lines of Jane’s Fighting ships or A Field Guide to the Birds, been attempted in print. Tentatively, then, we present the following.Blind Farts: (more…)

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.”Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.” He passed the minister a $100bill and walked away satisfied.It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “I do.”Then, he leaned toward the pastor and hissed, “I thought we had a deal.”The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, “She made me a much better offer.”

A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits,and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem. He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand,and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, “this is what your wife needs, at least once a day!” The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, “Ok, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?”

A child at a Christian school was studying the early days of Mormonism in his class. He wrote on his paper,”The early Mormons believed in having more than one wife. This is called polygamy. But we believe in having only one wife. This is called monotony”

Husband, upon meeting ex- after two years of separation:”Listen honey, why don’t we have a few drinks, dinner, go to my apartment and really make love?”

Ex-: “Over my dead body!”

Husband: “You haven’t changed a bit”